Start 2015 New Year with a new perspective on loss and grief

Happy New Year!

Questions are the key to discovery and a new perspective.

If you have suffered from a deep loss in the recent years, I want you to embrace the New Year with a fullness of heart and mind.

Allow your year ahead to be fulfilling and inspired and appreciate what you are learning about grief and how the loss of your loved one is giving you a new perspective on life.

It is too easy to fall into the ‘If only…..” “If only they were here, then everything would be fine…”

Thinking in this way is a natural process. It can be unhelpful though because our loved ones are not here, your life is in the here and now, not in what could have been or should have been.

Thinking about what you could have had, should have had is only destroying your presence here on Earth. Precisely an activity that your loved one would not be best pleased about!

Life is full of ups and downs and that is the normal pattern, however when we grieve we remain stuck in a ‘down’, we don’t allow ourselves any joy.

Trust me at first it may seem easier to bury the grief and remain in the ‘down’, but grief wants to release itself like a river flowing , the more we try to stop it , it will build up its banks and finally burst through to the natural flow it needs to go.

It is much easier to let the flow continue and not put up any barriers. The only person you kid yourself is YOU!

Let this New Year bring change for the better. A new you! An opportunity to appreciate the one you lost with a new perspective? Begin by asking new questions of yourself and dig deeper into the grief territory.

Ask yourself whether there might possibly be some drawbacks to your loved one still living?

Ouch…I know this is hard to take on board and the degree to which it hurts is the degree to which your perspective can change for the better and for your health.

Ask yourself whether some good things have happened since the loss ?

 For example you may have more social interactions and friendships happening. You have changed your normal patterns of behaviour and new interests are coming into your life. Maybe people who were previously distant are spending more time with you. Try and focus on the reality of what new things have come into your life.

Ask yourself what are the benefits of the new things appearing ?

Nothing is ever missing and as one energy form releases into the universe another will take its place and maintain the equilibrium of life and balance.

As I move into the New Year I reflect on what I have ‘lost’ by moving country and I can see that for things I miss, there are now new things that I love and appreciate. For some of those things they are quite similar yet different. For whatever grief I have or had I can see the new form and I know that even when I may feel ‘down’ like something is missing. I only need time to reflect and ponder on where the new form is. Sure enough it can be found.

I wrote the book ‘Breaking Through Loss’ to help people who are struggling with loss and grief. My way of passing on some of the lesson I learnt and where to go to seek help. The book is available from Amazon at

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Through-Loss-Powerful-Scientific/dp/1452507929

 Let 2015 be your year for change!

Wishing you love and wisdom and keep asking yourself quality questions

Lynn

#Loss #Grief #NewYear #Questions

Christmas Grief

We are bombarded with adverts displaying happy families celebrating luxurious Christmas gatherings, exchanging expensive gifts, which are exquisitely wrapped. Similar postings are now on social media, some folks are keen to show off their Christmas celebrations, and yes I would love to be ski-ing right now, and oh…to be at Sandy Bay, nodding over to Simon Cowell….oh pleeeeeease!

It may seem like these people are being thoughtless, uncaring, and selfish even. Their luxury and joy is directly contrary to the suffering one can go through when experiencing grief.

Grief can take a person into another dimension and the trivia of Christmas celebration and one up man ship pale into the background. Yet these seemingly contentious things are designed to help us awaken to the imbalance we have in our perceptions surrounding our loss.

Let me explain a little further. It feels raw when we are reminded of our loss, when the very thing smacks us in the face like a fresh punch. Those people laughing, enjoying themselves…and I am here in pain, suffering. Yes and no-one seems to care…even family and friends can hold back on making themselves available to help you.

Oh and by the way…I am an expert on these emotions because I buried them when both my sisters died and I didn’t talk to anyone about my feelings. Okay I am not an expert on everyone’s emotions and for some they don’t suffer grief and for others it is less profound. My job here, my goal, my mission is to help others who find themselves in a similar situation to myself and to help younger children who experience loss of a close family member. I think if I describe some of my passed emotions and thoughts around grief, then that sharing of something very personal might strike a chord and provide support to you.  Please let me know if you find my blog useful. I will really appreciate it.

Let me get back to explaining some more lessons around grief. Think about this, at Christmas time when all the family members turn up, think of the one you dislike sharing company with and imagine if they died, would you actually suffer grief? I mean grief that they are no longer here?

Well I would imagine that you are going to say no……no-one suffers grief over someone they dislike, it’s usually a blessing, we only suffer grief when we really like or ‘love’ someone.

Now think about this, in a lot of families, say three siblings lose their Father, ask yourself will each three suffer the grief the same? The chances are that the answer is no.

For now I am going to leave you with that thought, as to why that might be the case, or maybe you have views on this yourself?  Please feel free to post your comments

Sending you love and warm regards for Christmas whatever your loss situation might be

Lynn

What am I going to get for Christmas?

Children are excited! You see the glee in their eyes as they shop with parents and wish for countless toys and gifts.

The Western culture has managed to prey hard on the desires of man and so Christmas for many becomes purely about the gift and not the sentiment of Christmas.

Yes, I too am guilty of falling prey, and often get caught up in the hope and drama that Christmas will mean ‘peace’, it will mean ‘ warm fuzzy love’ and for the family they will be spoilt with gifts desired.

There is a big build up to this foreseeable gain, a gain in emotional wellbeing, in gifts, possibly financial, in happy thoughts, physical time out and focus on health and then a big plus in social activities as friends get together over a drink and party or two.

The reality can often hit much harder, too much money is spent in the fantasy of the Christmas promise and when reality kicks in, it a somewhat rather depressing January of tight budgets, awaiting the next pay cheque. The time off to engage in a fitness regime transpired into slouching on a sofa with the chocolate box and the eggnog. The peace and good will turned into family arguments and everyone at loggerheads.

Doe it sound familiar? Well may be not so for someone who has lost their loved one. For them the loneliness can be harsh and crueller at Christmas time. One only has to think of the parents of the children murdered in Peshawar, their Christmas will not be one of Joy.

For them the broken fantasy of Christmas will be looming in their hearts. Their loss possibly taking over all thoughts.

The belief that they will ever feel differently will seem a long way off the horizon.

For those people, I send my loving heart and energy, for those people I wrote my book called ‘Breaking Through Loss’ available on Amazon. I believe that the lessons of loss are many and worth exploring further as hidden emotion will repeat until you acknowledge it.

My sisters were taken one Christmas, I spent it alone, I recall their presents from Santa, remained unopened. I know about tragic loss and how it can separate you from others. I know how I believed that I had ‘handled’ it and discovered I hadn’t some four decades later!

Some of the lessons I learnt include understanding that grief feeds off fantasy. Just like the fantasy of Christmas leads to disappointment, allowing fantasies of our loved ones to remain in our minds leads to grief.

So what do I mean by ‘fantasies’ of our loved ones? Well that is thoughts about what should have been, what might have happened if only, the future that will never be. When we do this we are living in a fantasy because it is not something that can actually be.  Yes these thoughts are normal when we experience a loss, however they perpetuate the grief.

Sometimes holding onto unhealthy thoughts, is like holding onto the person. If we keep them in our thoughts about what they would do, say, or how they would act in this or that situation, we believe we are loving them. THIS IS NOT LOVING THEM

My book explains in detail about the truth of love. I can’t simply explain everything in one chat or text. I am very open to people messaging me if they want to discuss any aspects of grief

All I can say is keep tuned and over time I will explain more and more on how to release grief and live a fully inspired life that your loved one would have wanted you to do.

Keep strong, smile and let life know that you embrace it.

Just as the gloom after Christmas kicks  and step one is to read my book.

As Christmas approaches …please take care and do not allow the fantasy of Christmas to take you for a fool.

Bestwishes and much love


#Grief #Christmas #Presents #Loss #Lossrepeats

Christmas Tree Of Life and Seasons Of Loss

                                

Each Christmas as I unpack the tree and begin to unbox the decorations I pass through a ritual of remembrance which is always very special to me, and to my daughter too.

It is with pleasure that we relive the life of each bauble ‘Remember this one Mummy ?...we bought this at Disney….ah look my favourite set…….I love these ones!’

I’m pretty sure many a family do the same thing as us.

For me the tree ritual was made all the more memorable when my Mum’s friend lost her life on my birthday…which falls the week before Christmas. I recall dressing the tree with my Mum, and feeling the presence of Adrienne and the significance of being able to dress the tree with my family……… our love for family and friends and fellow man entwined in the process.

For me the Christmas tree represents the tree of Life…the fact that no matter what comes and goes that life will continue on and on. Each bauble represents a life, a light that has made the tree more beautiful than ever. A light which glows as a reminder of the joy of life.

When we lose loved ones, we can ask ourselves the question ‘Would they want to see me sad and weepy ?’  Of course the answer is no! ‘Would they want me to be miserable and depressed?’ Of course the answer is no!

After Christmas the tree is taken down and the baubles laid to rest for another year and so it is with grief….we bring it out of the box…we feel emotions around it and then we lay it to rest for another season. Given time the baubles that once held a sad memory are replaced with fond memories of what has been and with a gratitude for the present day and how it has shaped out lives.

It is all part of the tree of life….and Christmas is one season out of four that we are given opportunity to review our feeling, thoughts and emotions.

What may seem too painful for some….. as Christmas contrasts a lot of happy emotions against those who are suffering. Think about the key questions about what your loved one would wish for you. Dwell on that loving feeling, yet don’t push sadness away because it is part of releasing the grief. After so long

Last week as I drove up the motorway…I was tuned in to some classical music which took me to some rarely visited memories, memories of what was, how life used to be before the painful loss and I allowed myself to feel sad and cry. This act actually felt really good….inside my heart and outside….mmmm….I was letting it go!

I’m not sure whether ‘control freaks’ suffer loss as a means to let go, or whether grief makes you a control freak, afraid to let go – please feel free to add your own comments

As a final note:

Remember that the tree of life always involves a Spring pruning, a Summer flowering, an Autumn shed and a Winter sparkle.

Wishing you to sparkle this Christmas and with hope guiding you to know that loss and grief can heal

 

Wishing you Peace this Christmastime

 

Lynn

 

#Grief #Loss #Christmas #Tree of Life #Lynnhopethomas #Lossrepeats

Grief Insight at Christmas

Mmm, It’s getting close to Christmas and for many that will be a time they remember their lost ones and feel somewhat saddened that they are not there with them over what should be a loving and blissful time of the year….well that is if you celebrate Christmas as a Christian. I guess other religious denominations may also be caught up with everyone around them being joyous and so they feel sad too at this time of year.

I want to be sensitive to those who are experiencing grief, yet at the same time I need to be firm with you as you do not have to feel the grief! That’s right…you do not have to feel the grief of the loss of your loved one. That does not mean that you disregard them, or that you ignore the loss you have suffered, it simply means that there IS a process, which CAN relieve the grief and allow you to feel a sense of well-being, gratitude and allow you to feel close to your loved one.

The process is a method I have experienced and have seen countless other people experience with amazing results. I was so amazed that I wrote a book called ‘Breaking Through Loss’ because I had an incredible realisation that I had allowed loss and grief and was still allowing loss and grief to affect my life…and to affect it for forty years !! I can’t bear thinking that I did that, as life is short and meant to be lived to the full enjoyment of the gift that God has given us.

Oh how can I get the message across to you so that you do not have to suffer your emotional pain?

 For some people they do not experience grief to the same extent – have you ever wondered why not? I always thought that they must not have loved the person, because when you do not love someone you don’t cry and grieve over them do you?

I witnessed a father lose his son and he was calm and centred and I simply could not understand why he was not experiencing extreme grief – not that I wished that upon him, because I know only too well, what it is like to suffer a BIG loss and then for it to repeat two weeks later!! It is pretty much close to hell but not as close to hell as some get.

Here are a few insights that I have learnt:

·         Grief is a one-sided emotion in your perception….yes it feels very real and hurts

·         It is an addiction to the traits you loved about a person, and is similar to a drug addict having their drug taken away.

·         Grief  thrives off fantasies and delusions

Grief can be balanced once we dissolve the fantasies and delusions, and weigh in the ignored perceptions you had about the person.

Once dissolved grief opens the heart centre to LOVE and at that point you can experience relief and joy.

Please read my book to understand more, I wrote it as a guide for people because believing someone say that grief can be dissolved is unusual and easily dismissed however when you can weigh up the facts and the scientific evidence then maybe ….just maybe this Christmas you can have your heart and joy back beating with LOVE.

At your service and thank you for reading my blog

A week of Rembrance - OMG

Hi,

I pay tribute to the brave soldiers who dedicate their lives to keeping my life safe! And within that tribute is respect for the families who loose their loved ones. My poem is that tribute as published last week.
Remembrance has been a big thing in the media..unbeknown to the media are my personal experiences this week.

My father's cousin died, Eunice, it was her funeral...I was amazed to learn much more about her at the funeral. It was lovely, they paid a beautiful tribute to her life - she loved to party and travel!

For me, the hard part was being with family! I know I am not the only one here who must have this difficulty. We were faced with a relative , an angry relative, one who wanted to express their anger.

I tried to pacify him, I was left more upset and in tears than the actual funeral itself!

Family deaths can stir up a lot of repressed emotion. Have you experienced this ?

Grief is one thing....dealing with family is even bigger!

The source of anger was totally, in my perception unfounded, having not seen this family member for fourteen years, how could they be so angry! I was actually pleased to see them until they let their anger known.

For me, it was difficult, they never gave me chance to express myself.
Where have I gone wrong ?
What did I do to receive this anger ?

How do you approach an angry person ?

Looking back ...they were angry then. I feel at a loss for words, yet I know that the person is giving me a lesson.

Yes! A lesson....one I need to uncover and uncover it I will!

Sometimes the immediate loss is not understood, yet guaranteed each time is a revelation into your life!

Yes!

A wonderful revelation about yourself...an opportunity to learn more about yourself.

My family I would like to believe is pretty normal actually

If this is happening to me....then I wonder what is happening to you ?

Don't you think that if we talk together we might just......you know ......just makes some sence of what grief is all about!


Any way that is the start of my week of remembrance......listen in tomorrow because
it all continues in a weird way....listen in my loves  ;)

Bedtime for me now....excuse me ....I will return x

Remember them- my poem tribute

For all brave soldiers

“Remember them ……………brave  bold and bright

………….as the Poppy fields bloom in full red flight

Deep with colour their love flows strong

Each head raised up in perfect song

In the wind blowing all floral flags are raised

Not one not two but thousands are praised

We braved our loved ones to champion the fight

So all our land could sleep safe at night

Yet now we grieve those beautiful souls, indeed ‘twas their choice to defend

And ours now  is to rise above loss, allowing our hearts to mend”

 

Poem by Lynn Hope Thomas

 

As we celebrate 100 years since the first world war, there cannot be a family out there unaffected in some way from the loss of a loved one.

Celebrate does seem an odd word when mixed with loss, though in celebrating we can honor the bravery and the lives lost in order to save the rest of us.

It give a much greater chance to help all the survivors of war. Whether a soldier, a father, a brother, a husband, partner , mother, daughter, it is by allowing the remembrance of what took place, we allow an opportunity for those who may have buried emotion, to recall some of the mixed and powerful emotions and allow them rise up once again and be felt.

Every person experiences loss and grief differently, no two people are the same. Some can process it with or without help and some appear to be managing it but hidden symptoms can show up as anger, depression, alcoholism and other unhealthy distractions.

Buried emotion can go deeper than a trench, like a grand canyon. At times a person may not even be conscious that grief is affecting their life. For example children have a natural protection mechanism whereby they can appear unaffected by incidents, only to find that later in life they need to process the unresolved grief.

As a child I’ve always had a fascination for war and death. My Nana, recounted many stories from WW1 of fallen family, wounded soldiers and trips to the air raid shelters. I would listen intent on every word, and by every word, I felt as though I had experienced the war for myself. I knew what I would do, how I would react, in fact I knew how I would feel. Nana shared with me postcards that family soldiers had embroidered for the family – secretly it broke my heart to read their messages of how they missed home and family.

Never did I know that one day I would know firsthand how tragic loss can wreak havoc in families.

It is not just sympathy I have for anyone suffering from loss at this Remembrance Day but true empathy. I know the hurt, the pain, the lost dreams, and the incredible impact that loss can have on any one life.

It would be wrong to say that the pain is constant and remains forever, that is not true. The pain slowly dissipates over time and sometimes it falls into a slumber, only to be awakened by a raging furnace of emotion that can be so totally destructive.

Well, for me it was like that, you see I buried the emotion, as a child I didn’t speak about it, I thought I was doing a good job of being a brave little girl when it was hurting, and then when the pain was in slumber I played and laughed and had a great time, so why would I know that I had a problem ? I didn’t - I was loving life and making the most of it.

So you see…experts can guide you as to what to do, but if you are in that period of slumber, nothing is going to be ‘needed’. Experts can offer loads of stuff and still you won’t ‘need’ any of it!

So why am I writing this? Okay, partially it is to help myself, I guess that in some respects it allows me the chance to express how I felt after loss, you see……elements are always there. Though I must say I have had a big shift in my loss and grief, a chance, an opportunity to see that most of what I have lived and survived through was totally unnecessary!

Believe it - well you WILL find it difficult to!!

DON’T let that stop you from reading on. If you are looking to find a recovery from the pain of grief, if you are interested in how unresolved loss and grief and affect your life, how it can stop you from living a full blown wonderful, beautiful and blossomed life then read on!

If you are a doubter, prefer to bury your head in the sand then don’t read on, but at least open your mind to the possibility that when you ignore the messages from the universe to balance out your perception to loss – then the Universe kicks back harder and harder until you are ready to listen. If that happens to you, then remember my blog, remember that I have empathy, I know the pain and that my mission is to help you find relief from that.

Yes…I finally discovered that after forty years of cycling through pain, tears, grief, not to mention failed relationships and all the scenarios recreated to allow me to feel loss…I finally found a tool to allow me to overcome that pain.

My blog now has a purpose which is to reach out to as many people as I can; people who have suffered from loss and grief.

Through my experience I want to intrigue them, to learn more about the Demartini method and what it can bring their lives. Remember loss and grief covers many scenarios, it could be loss of limb, job, partner, child, father, mother, sister, brother etc.

It is totally possible to choose to overcome grief, it really is not a pain that you need to experience for a long time.

I believe that I have found the world’s most effective tool in combatting the pain of loss.

The thing is, unless you are in the right frame of mind you will never believe me.

When I found the tool, I wasn’t looking for relief from grief, after 40 years it was something I lived with. When I was introduced to it, it was a tool with a thousand uses. I had reached a point in my life where I was tired and worn out, life was so ‘hard’,difficult and unenjoyable; that getting out of bed was difficult for me.

Mmmm you know,Doctor’s call it depression and want to prescribe drugs but I knew that having lived the life I had, it was hardly surprising that I felt the way I did! Why take a drug? A drug wasn’t going to change how my life was! Don’t take this the wrong way, I know that anti-depressants can work for people, I am talking about my own personal status and no-one else’s.

Inside I felt strongly that a drug was not the answer, yet I was ‘desperate’ to find the answer of how to live a more fulfilled and joyful life. Surely after all the pain and misery I deserved a better life with more joy?

After I experienced what is called the ‘Breakthrough Experience’ I can only say that I woke up to a magical experience that has since transformed my life.

I don’t wish to make out that there is some magical means to keep one a state of eternal happiness, as life just like nature is a balance of both support and challenge, and when one appreciates that and has the right tool, it means one can navigate the hardest trials and tribulations.

The initial experience kicked off a chain reaction in my brain, I would wake at night and it felt like fireworks were lighting up all over my brain, I was so mesmerised by the result of one weekend in my life. I had been so down beat and tired and all of a sudden I was waking up with loads of energy, feeling inspired; excited , excited to be living and imagining where it was going lead me.

You will never believe that it is possible to overcome the pain of grief in a couple of hours. Yes a couple of hours! I have been through it, and I have seen it and hundreds, thousands of people have seen it happen, using this incredible method.

Can you imagine how that statement can be met with ridicule? Grief can be overcome within a couple of hours, even less! Yes…I have had closed doors,disrespect, abruptness…I have been met with claims of stupidity, finding myself ignored, not spoken to, treated like a leper?

Well bring it on! I cannot change my new found beliefs. After forty years and the life I have lived I feel pretty certain I know what works for grief and what doesn’t.

The thing is that the people who make opposing statements and the ones who ridicule me, or even the Doctors, psychologists, and grief counsellors, have never experienced a loss like I have. So tell me, how do they know what is best?

 

I have talked about loss and grief, I have felt like my repeated loss is a kind of PTSD, that is each new loss re-opens wounds and although each successive loss is not more significant, it feels doubly, triply worse in terms of the amount of pain. Yet I have been chastised by people diagnosed with PTSD, saying I have ‘no right’ to make any comment. Well too bad Sir/Madam! I am not comparing situations, I don’t ever want to! Each person is allowed to feel their pain, their trauma, their discomfort and own it , in whatever way they want and need to. I am here to help them.

 

And the method I have come across , is one that can fit any, I mean any, amount of pain, trauma. It can handle anything! That said – the person has to be seeking help, has to be in the mind set looking for help, not looking for an argument!

And God bless those still in the argumentative zone, I’ve been there too.

For anyone interested I wrote a book following my magical discovery and it can be found at the following address: -

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Through-Loss-Powerful-Scientific/dp/1452507929

 

Commercially  - Remember them

As I write my blog for the brave soldiers of our world and their families and friends, being a business consultant I want bring a mirror back to the commercial world we live in.

Life is always mirrored, internally the way we think and possibly repress is mirrored and expressed externally . Our private lives are also reflected energetically in our working lives.

I will leave you with those thoughts and come back to them in later blogs. For now I call on all commercial businesses to consider for longer than one day! Who are the soldiers in your organisation?

Who are the ones laying down, or fighting for your cause? Who are the ones who need to be praised? Who deserves the medal for bravery?

When we can respect our soldiers/workers, when we can honour them with gratitude, then we begin to build armies that make nations.

Do you see what I am saying?

When we honour the troops, the troops honour us!

Is this happening in your organisation?

You can have Strategy, Tactics and procedures but if you don’t honour and show gratitude for your troops then none will do their best for you.

Have you ever noticed what happens in your organisation when a key trouper is lost? Have you ever noticed the ripple effect? Have you ever considered the financial loss your organisation suffers?