Start 2015 New Year with a new perspective on loss and grief

Happy New Year!

Questions are the key to discovery and a new perspective.

If you have suffered from a deep loss in the recent years, I want you to embrace the New Year with a fullness of heart and mind.

Allow your year ahead to be fulfilling and inspired and appreciate what you are learning about grief and how the loss of your loved one is giving you a new perspective on life.

It is too easy to fall into the ‘If only…..” “If only they were here, then everything would be fine…”

Thinking in this way is a natural process. It can be unhelpful though because our loved ones are not here, your life is in the here and now, not in what could have been or should have been.

Thinking about what you could have had, should have had is only destroying your presence here on Earth. Precisely an activity that your loved one would not be best pleased about!

Life is full of ups and downs and that is the normal pattern, however when we grieve we remain stuck in a ‘down’, we don’t allow ourselves any joy.

Trust me at first it may seem easier to bury the grief and remain in the ‘down’, but grief wants to release itself like a river flowing , the more we try to stop it , it will build up its banks and finally burst through to the natural flow it needs to go.

It is much easier to let the flow continue and not put up any barriers. The only person you kid yourself is YOU!

Let this New Year bring change for the better. A new you! An opportunity to appreciate the one you lost with a new perspective? Begin by asking new questions of yourself and dig deeper into the grief territory.

Ask yourself whether there might possibly be some drawbacks to your loved one still living?

Ouch…I know this is hard to take on board and the degree to which it hurts is the degree to which your perspective can change for the better and for your health.

Ask yourself whether some good things have happened since the loss ?

 For example you may have more social interactions and friendships happening. You have changed your normal patterns of behaviour and new interests are coming into your life. Maybe people who were previously distant are spending more time with you. Try and focus on the reality of what new things have come into your life.

Ask yourself what are the benefits of the new things appearing ?

Nothing is ever missing and as one energy form releases into the universe another will take its place and maintain the equilibrium of life and balance.

As I move into the New Year I reflect on what I have ‘lost’ by moving country and I can see that for things I miss, there are now new things that I love and appreciate. For some of those things they are quite similar yet different. For whatever grief I have or had I can see the new form and I know that even when I may feel ‘down’ like something is missing. I only need time to reflect and ponder on where the new form is. Sure enough it can be found.

I wrote the book ‘Breaking Through Loss’ to help people who are struggling with loss and grief. My way of passing on some of the lesson I learnt and where to go to seek help. The book is available from Amazon at

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Through-Loss-Powerful-Scientific/dp/1452507929

 Let 2015 be your year for change!

Wishing you love and wisdom and keep asking yourself quality questions

Lynn

#Loss #Grief #NewYear #Questions

Christmas Grief

We are bombarded with adverts displaying happy families celebrating luxurious Christmas gatherings, exchanging expensive gifts, which are exquisitely wrapped. Similar postings are now on social media, some folks are keen to show off their Christmas celebrations, and yes I would love to be ski-ing right now, and oh…to be at Sandy Bay, nodding over to Simon Cowell….oh pleeeeeease!

It may seem like these people are being thoughtless, uncaring, and selfish even. Their luxury and joy is directly contrary to the suffering one can go through when experiencing grief.

Grief can take a person into another dimension and the trivia of Christmas celebration and one up man ship pale into the background. Yet these seemingly contentious things are designed to help us awaken to the imbalance we have in our perceptions surrounding our loss.

Let me explain a little further. It feels raw when we are reminded of our loss, when the very thing smacks us in the face like a fresh punch. Those people laughing, enjoying themselves…and I am here in pain, suffering. Yes and no-one seems to care…even family and friends can hold back on making themselves available to help you.

Oh and by the way…I am an expert on these emotions because I buried them when both my sisters died and I didn’t talk to anyone about my feelings. Okay I am not an expert on everyone’s emotions and for some they don’t suffer grief and for others it is less profound. My job here, my goal, my mission is to help others who find themselves in a similar situation to myself and to help younger children who experience loss of a close family member. I think if I describe some of my passed emotions and thoughts around grief, then that sharing of something very personal might strike a chord and provide support to you.  Please let me know if you find my blog useful. I will really appreciate it.

Let me get back to explaining some more lessons around grief. Think about this, at Christmas time when all the family members turn up, think of the one you dislike sharing company with and imagine if they died, would you actually suffer grief? I mean grief that they are no longer here?

Well I would imagine that you are going to say no……no-one suffers grief over someone they dislike, it’s usually a blessing, we only suffer grief when we really like or ‘love’ someone.

Now think about this, in a lot of families, say three siblings lose their Father, ask yourself will each three suffer the grief the same? The chances are that the answer is no.

For now I am going to leave you with that thought, as to why that might be the case, or maybe you have views on this yourself?  Please feel free to post your comments

Sending you love and warm regards for Christmas whatever your loss situation might be

Lynn

What am I going to get for Christmas?

Children are excited! You see the glee in their eyes as they shop with parents and wish for countless toys and gifts.

The Western culture has managed to prey hard on the desires of man and so Christmas for many becomes purely about the gift and not the sentiment of Christmas.

Yes, I too am guilty of falling prey, and often get caught up in the hope and drama that Christmas will mean ‘peace’, it will mean ‘ warm fuzzy love’ and for the family they will be spoilt with gifts desired.

There is a big build up to this foreseeable gain, a gain in emotional wellbeing, in gifts, possibly financial, in happy thoughts, physical time out and focus on health and then a big plus in social activities as friends get together over a drink and party or two.

The reality can often hit much harder, too much money is spent in the fantasy of the Christmas promise and when reality kicks in, it a somewhat rather depressing January of tight budgets, awaiting the next pay cheque. The time off to engage in a fitness regime transpired into slouching on a sofa with the chocolate box and the eggnog. The peace and good will turned into family arguments and everyone at loggerheads.

Doe it sound familiar? Well may be not so for someone who has lost their loved one. For them the loneliness can be harsh and crueller at Christmas time. One only has to think of the parents of the children murdered in Peshawar, their Christmas will not be one of Joy.

For them the broken fantasy of Christmas will be looming in their hearts. Their loss possibly taking over all thoughts.

The belief that they will ever feel differently will seem a long way off the horizon.

For those people, I send my loving heart and energy, for those people I wrote my book called ‘Breaking Through Loss’ available on Amazon. I believe that the lessons of loss are many and worth exploring further as hidden emotion will repeat until you acknowledge it.

My sisters were taken one Christmas, I spent it alone, I recall their presents from Santa, remained unopened. I know about tragic loss and how it can separate you from others. I know how I believed that I had ‘handled’ it and discovered I hadn’t some four decades later!

Some of the lessons I learnt include understanding that grief feeds off fantasy. Just like the fantasy of Christmas leads to disappointment, allowing fantasies of our loved ones to remain in our minds leads to grief.

So what do I mean by ‘fantasies’ of our loved ones? Well that is thoughts about what should have been, what might have happened if only, the future that will never be. When we do this we are living in a fantasy because it is not something that can actually be.  Yes these thoughts are normal when we experience a loss, however they perpetuate the grief.

Sometimes holding onto unhealthy thoughts, is like holding onto the person. If we keep them in our thoughts about what they would do, say, or how they would act in this or that situation, we believe we are loving them. THIS IS NOT LOVING THEM

My book explains in detail about the truth of love. I can’t simply explain everything in one chat or text. I am very open to people messaging me if they want to discuss any aspects of grief

All I can say is keep tuned and over time I will explain more and more on how to release grief and live a fully inspired life that your loved one would have wanted you to do.

Keep strong, smile and let life know that you embrace it.

Just as the gloom after Christmas kicks  and step one is to read my book.

As Christmas approaches …please take care and do not allow the fantasy of Christmas to take you for a fool.

Bestwishes and much love


#Grief #Christmas #Presents #Loss #Lossrepeats

Christmas Tree Of Life and Seasons Of Loss

                                

Each Christmas as I unpack the tree and begin to unbox the decorations I pass through a ritual of remembrance which is always very special to me, and to my daughter too.

It is with pleasure that we relive the life of each bauble ‘Remember this one Mummy ?...we bought this at Disney….ah look my favourite set…….I love these ones!’

I’m pretty sure many a family do the same thing as us.

For me the tree ritual was made all the more memorable when my Mum’s friend lost her life on my birthday…which falls the week before Christmas. I recall dressing the tree with my Mum, and feeling the presence of Adrienne and the significance of being able to dress the tree with my family……… our love for family and friends and fellow man entwined in the process.

For me the Christmas tree represents the tree of Life…the fact that no matter what comes and goes that life will continue on and on. Each bauble represents a life, a light that has made the tree more beautiful than ever. A light which glows as a reminder of the joy of life.

When we lose loved ones, we can ask ourselves the question ‘Would they want to see me sad and weepy ?’  Of course the answer is no! ‘Would they want me to be miserable and depressed?’ Of course the answer is no!

After Christmas the tree is taken down and the baubles laid to rest for another year and so it is with grief….we bring it out of the box…we feel emotions around it and then we lay it to rest for another season. Given time the baubles that once held a sad memory are replaced with fond memories of what has been and with a gratitude for the present day and how it has shaped out lives.

It is all part of the tree of life….and Christmas is one season out of four that we are given opportunity to review our feeling, thoughts and emotions.

What may seem too painful for some….. as Christmas contrasts a lot of happy emotions against those who are suffering. Think about the key questions about what your loved one would wish for you. Dwell on that loving feeling, yet don’t push sadness away because it is part of releasing the grief. After so long

Last week as I drove up the motorway…I was tuned in to some classical music which took me to some rarely visited memories, memories of what was, how life used to be before the painful loss and I allowed myself to feel sad and cry. This act actually felt really good….inside my heart and outside….mmmm….I was letting it go!

I’m not sure whether ‘control freaks’ suffer loss as a means to let go, or whether grief makes you a control freak, afraid to let go – please feel free to add your own comments

As a final note:

Remember that the tree of life always involves a Spring pruning, a Summer flowering, an Autumn shed and a Winter sparkle.

Wishing you to sparkle this Christmas and with hope guiding you to know that loss and grief can heal

 

Wishing you Peace this Christmastime

 

Lynn

 

#Grief #Loss #Christmas #Tree of Life #Lynnhopethomas #Lossrepeats

Grief Insight at Christmas

Mmm, It’s getting close to Christmas and for many that will be a time they remember their lost ones and feel somewhat saddened that they are not there with them over what should be a loving and blissful time of the year….well that is if you celebrate Christmas as a Christian. I guess other religious denominations may also be caught up with everyone around them being joyous and so they feel sad too at this time of year.

I want to be sensitive to those who are experiencing grief, yet at the same time I need to be firm with you as you do not have to feel the grief! That’s right…you do not have to feel the grief of the loss of your loved one. That does not mean that you disregard them, or that you ignore the loss you have suffered, it simply means that there IS a process, which CAN relieve the grief and allow you to feel a sense of well-being, gratitude and allow you to feel close to your loved one.

The process is a method I have experienced and have seen countless other people experience with amazing results. I was so amazed that I wrote a book called ‘Breaking Through Loss’ because I had an incredible realisation that I had allowed loss and grief and was still allowing loss and grief to affect my life…and to affect it for forty years !! I can’t bear thinking that I did that, as life is short and meant to be lived to the full enjoyment of the gift that God has given us.

Oh how can I get the message across to you so that you do not have to suffer your emotional pain?

 For some people they do not experience grief to the same extent – have you ever wondered why not? I always thought that they must not have loved the person, because when you do not love someone you don’t cry and grieve over them do you?

I witnessed a father lose his son and he was calm and centred and I simply could not understand why he was not experiencing extreme grief – not that I wished that upon him, because I know only too well, what it is like to suffer a BIG loss and then for it to repeat two weeks later!! It is pretty much close to hell but not as close to hell as some get.

Here are a few insights that I have learnt:

·         Grief is a one-sided emotion in your perception….yes it feels very real and hurts

·         It is an addiction to the traits you loved about a person, and is similar to a drug addict having their drug taken away.

·         Grief  thrives off fantasies and delusions

Grief can be balanced once we dissolve the fantasies and delusions, and weigh in the ignored perceptions you had about the person.

Once dissolved grief opens the heart centre to LOVE and at that point you can experience relief and joy.

Please read my book to understand more, I wrote it as a guide for people because believing someone say that grief can be dissolved is unusual and easily dismissed however when you can weigh up the facts and the scientific evidence then maybe ….just maybe this Christmas you can have your heart and joy back beating with LOVE.

At your service and thank you for reading my blog